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I was sitting in the nursery with my new daughter, cradling her against my warm body. I looked down at her face, so peaceful in sleep. I said, "I love you so much, Lumin." The RN in the room looked at me and smiled, "Why did you name her Lumin?" she asked. I watched Lumin's face as I spoke softly, "I wasn't sure where I was going with life for a long time. I was just living and doing what I wanted. What I have done led up to this point. When I found out I was going to be a dad, she illuminated this light within me that I didn't know existed, a light I never knew I had been searching for. I knew from that point I was going to be the best dad I could be to this little girl from now to forever..."________________________________________A crack of thunder brought me back from my Reflections and I realized that I had tears in my eyes. I looked over at the other hammock across the porch at my daughter, Lumin. She wore a pair of blue plaid pajama pants she picked up the last time we were at. Doris didn’t know why she was crying, so she cried even harder in rage and confusion and hopelessness. ‘Another fucking day,’ she huffed, her words punctuated by sobbing gasps for breath, her tears stopping long enough for her to breathe deeply. She felt her body slump down even further on the bathroom floor, her bones jabbing into the tile, making her skin feel unfamiliar. ‘Just like the last day, or the 10 before it, or the 100 before it.’ To Doris’s mind, it might as well have been a million. She had long since known or cared what day it was. She came to sometime later and was vaguely aware that she was walking through her Grandmother’s house, through her house. There were so many happy memories attached to the antiques and treasures her Grandma had scavenged in her trips, so many rose colored memories. All those golden days and carefree times faded from gold and pink to sepia and eventually to black. That was a different time, a different Doris. She felt the hot sting of tears on.
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